Finding The Light
by ThoughtsAndDreams
Summary: This isn't something I wish had happened.  It's not something I would wish on anyone.  It was just a way to get things out, I guess...  Will update in-between studying and writing exams when I can  Rated M for content


"Why are you doing this? I don't understand! No…stop…GET AWAY FROM ME!"

With a sweat-drenched forehead, in a black room, Blaine awoke from the sound of his own screams.

* * *

><p>"What was it like this time, Blaine?" the doctor asked him. This was his question every time Blaine had to endure these visits. It wasn't of his own accord that he was there, of course…no, this was forced on him by the doctors after the "incident" happened. Why had he even told anyone – what good was supposed to come of his telling <em>anyone<em>? He knew he had to. He had to save his sister. He knew he did. But he never meant anyone to know it hadn't just happened to her…he never meant for anyone to find out that she wasn't the only victim. Damn his mother. Damn her for figuring it all out.

And now he was here…in this room…with this doctor… having to talk about things he had never intended on sharing. Never wanted to have to think about ever again. Wasn't it enough that he had to go through all of this one? Wasn't it enough that he had to relive everything repeatedly every time the lids of his eyes betrayed him and filled with sleep? He never thought he'd think this, or ever feel this way, but before this all started his biggest worry were the bullies at his school and protecting not just himself, but his sister from them. And now… What he wouldn't give to go back in time and take anything they had to give him. Anything at all. Anything to not have to remember, and to get out of this office. Anything for it all to go away…

* * *

><p>"Hi, are you lost?" Kurt Hummel, no matter how many Slushie facials he took, or how scared he got, always remembered his manners. Always remembered what it was like to be the one singled out. He knew what it was like when you know that everyone else can smell fear, and it singles you out more than it did when you started. So again, he carefully approached this new boy he had never seen before, and slowly, implying he wasn't going to bring harm to the boy, repeated himself once more. "…Are you lost?" Unfortunately, this didn't help. Being startled one too many times sent this boy over the edge and straight into defensive mode. "Get away from me! Don't come near me! I have pepper spray in my bag, and I know how to use it!" Crap. Not only was he on the defensive…he was armed. And the last thing Kurt wanted was pepper spray on his new outfit. He paid good money for this look, and wasn't about to get it soiled trying to be <em>helpful<em>. Of all ways he thought it might be ruined, helping someone was _not_ on that list. "I'm sorry. I'm not here to hurt you…I didn't mean to startle you… I thought you heard me – I really did!" He said this because it was the truth, and was hoping to calm the boy down before he did anything rash. "I should have made my appearance more clear…I'm sorry. You looked lost, and I was only trying to hel-"

"-Oh save it." Blaine didn't want to hear it. He'd been down this road before, and knew where it went. He had heard all about this school, but it was his last choice. Sure, he'd had friends at Dalton. Sure, he missed his Warblers. But they knew something was up…_they knew_ something had happened, and it was only so long before they asked too many questions…before they figured something out that they shouldn't…and if Blaine was being honest with himself, he didn't want to be around them. He needed to leave. To start over. To be somewhere where nobody had heard of him. Where they couldn't ask questions, or see that he was on edge…Sure, maybe they'd think he was a giant bitch, and throw Slushies in his face, and make his life Hell. But it was nothing compared to what he had lived through…it was nothing compared to how things would have been if he had stayed, and not convinced his mother to let him move to Lima. He was told continuously that he would be _safe_ now, and that it wouldn't happen again…that everything was going to be okay with time…but he couldn't do it. He couldn't walk out of the house without his pepper spray in his pocket, armed just in case he jumped out of the bushes and ambushed him. Just in case as he walked down his street on the way to school, he found him. Blaine couldn't keep going through it, and he refused to keep putting his mother and his sister through having to rush in every night and tell him where he was – stop his screaming and his crying, and then calm his sister, who was of course, scared, too… His sister had been through it first…she had told him about it. She had _told_ him what was happening. And all he could bring himself to do was comfort her, and tell her everything would be okay. He held her in his arms on the floor of their room, and promised her he wouldn't hurt her again. And then when he was protecting her one afternoon, it happened to him. Suddenly then he couldn't help but break his promise to his sister and tell someone… It kept happening to him now, and he hadn't been nearly as bad off as his sister had – he _had_ to tell someone. He had to tell their mother. Their mother, who now had to deal with this… She didn't want to lose both of her children, and his sister didn't want to leave their mother, so it was just him. Here. Alone… "I'm fine. I'll find my way." He snapped at Kurt, then hurried off down the hall and out the door.

* * *

><p>"Blaine, I can't help you if you don't tell me what is going on with you…" his doctor said. This was not only one of his mother's conditions of him moving to Lima in his efforts to escape it all, but everyone they'd had to deal with back home, had also said he needed to be in therapy… They wanted him in therapy more than once a week, but he finally put his foot down and threatened to disappear. He knew he didn't know how that was going to happen…how he'd make it happen...but he was grasping at straws here. And it worked. So once a week with a therapist it was. Sitting in this office, talking about nothing…<p>

* * *

><p>"It was so weird...I'd never seen him before…and he was so skittish. I made it clear I wasn't going to hurt him, but he wouldn't hear of it. He just snapped my head off and bolted out. I really do hope he's okay – whoever he is…" Kurt had tried to keep this encounter to himself, but it had been bothering him all day. Something wasn't right… He knows better than almost anyone how terrifying McKinley High can be, but he wouldn't hurt a soul… The only time he had ever really been aggressive was when he was cornered and had no way out. He had to save himself, but he wasn't blatantly out to attack people…he just wouldn't. This boy, though – this strikingly beautiful boy with fierce, hazel eyes – didn't appear to believe that…not that it mattered what anyone thought of him, Kurt reminded himself, but something bothered him about that whole incident… That was more than being nervous and afraid at a new high school. That was more than Slushie facials and harsh words that cut deep inside. That was something more, and Kurt had to find out what it was… he knew he'd be drastically overstepping – not to mention would probably end up with pepper spray all over his carefully crafted outfits – but he felt compelled to help this boy. He saw the pain in his eyes, and even with no connection to him <em>whatsoever<em>, Kurt hurt for him. He felt for him, deep in his heart – why, he didn't know… all he knew is that he did. And he had to try and do something. But back to the topic at hand, he reminded himself, and snapped himself out of his thoughts long enough to catch the end of a response from his fellow Glee Clubber (and step-brother), Finn:

"…What do you think, Kurt?"

"I'm sorry…what?"

"I said, 'what do you think?' About trying to get him to join Glee Club? I mean, we've protected you…we can surely try and offer him some safety…or at the very least, security. And…friendship."

Sometimes he just didn't understand how Finn's mind works… How was he supposed to try and recruit this boy, when he can't even hold a conversation with him long enough to give him directions? What was he supposed to do – walk up to him, get sprayed in the face, and say "I know you just pepper sprayed me in the face, and for some reason think that I want to hurt you, but I just wanted to let you know that we have a Glee Club, and I'd like you to be in it. You know, sense you can smell fear on you a mile away…"? He didn't seem to think that would go over so well… call him crazy, but he didn't quite know how that was going to work.

"Finn, he nearly sprayed me with pepper spray today when I asked him if he was lost, and you want me to try and get him to join Glee Club?"

"Well, I mean…it couldn't hurt…"

"We don't even know if he can sing! Hell, we don't even know anything about him other than the fact that he is more jumpy than a fish out of water, and that my brand new outfit almost got soiled with pepper spray! I think we need to think of something else…"

Yep. He definitely didn't understand how Finn's mind worked… He knew there was some sense in there, but never knew when it was going to show up, or leave his mind baron…

* * *

><p>For the next week he watched this new being ghost through the halls, in and out of his classes, and disappear suddenly, until finally the teacher asked him to switch seats, and he ended up right next to Kurt.<p>

"I'd like to talk to you," Kurt whispered quietly.

"Why?" Blaine retorted. "Do you have this fascination with new people? Is it your goal in life to torture me, too?"

Kurt felt a pang at that remark, but just exhaled slowly, preparing to respond, when Blaine spoke one more:

"Don't think I haven't seen you looking at me since you first saw me last week. I know what you want…I'm not stupid. Anyone with eyes can see your gay, but let me just tell you right now – I'm not interested. I'm not interested in making friends, playing nice, or being your confidant who is clearly in the same boat you are. Not many people have figured out what I am yet, let alone _who_ I am, and I plan on keeping it that way. So _butt out_." He quickly grabbed his books and darted out the door before the bell rang, ignoring the protests of the teacher standing at the front of the room asking him to return to his seat.

* * *

><p>"Do you want to talk to him?" the doctor asked.<p>

"I don't know…" This was the first hint at productivity the doctor received from Blaine since he started his sessions here. Usually Blaine would just ramble about something to get the doctor – and his mother – off his back, but this time, he actually needed to talk…needed to try and get this boy out of his head. Stupid boy, getting stuck in his mind all the time when he had many more – _important – _things to think about.

"It doesn't hurt to have friends…" the doctor continued. He knew he was only going to get so much to work with from Blaine, and had to take whatever he was going to get. This time Blaine was actually talking about something real, instead of stalling and killing time like he usually did. He was starting to feel something…his heart was starting to let more things in, and his mind was clearing out the horror enough for new thoughts to form. Thoughts other than fear…other than hurt. "Will you tell me about this boy? What do you know about him?" The doctor knew he was pressing, but was trying to get a bit more out of him before he closed off again.

"What about him – he's just a _stupid_ boy." Blaine snapped. "He's as gay as the day is long, and from what I can he's the only out guy at that school…and he pays for it." His tone lightened ever so slightly. The doctor noticed. After taking a deep breath, with softer looking eyes, Blaine continued: "He has impeccable fashion sense, and knows exactly what to wear to show off his shape." _His lean, muscular shape…_ Blaine's breath hitched ever so slightly "-hiccup." He provided.

Though the doctor knew otherwise, he offered Blaine a glass of water to help with his _hiccups_, which he unsurprisingly declined; however, he did surprise the doctor when he continued speaking…

"I don't need anybody. I don't want anybody to know. _Nobody can know_." He stressed, which followed hurriedly by "Not so much that I'm gay, but what…what…happened. Nobody can know anything about why I moved, that I live alone, that I have no family here – anything. _**Nobody can know**_**!**"

He was getting quite upset now, and even though the doctor was trying his best to keep him calm and assure him that nobody would know anything Blaine didn't tell them, he was internally pleased with this…breakthrough. It was a minor one, of course, but nonetheless it was a step in the right direction. Blaine was _talking_. And not just rambling about anything…he was talking about how he felt, and expressing his worry. His…fear. He knew it was hard for Blaine to express anything after what happened – he hadn't even told him what happened, personally, however they both knew that the doctor was made aware from the facilities back home, and from Blaine's mother, who, even though was not here with him, was a large part of their sessions and updates by the doctor regularly. This was another of her conditions to Blaine's move. She was terrified for him, but knew if she didn't let him work this out somewhere else that she'd lose her baby boy…and she couldn't have that. So she settled for updates from the doctor on a weekly basis.

* * *

><p>For a while, it was the only contact she had to knowing her son was alright. But then, one afternoon, her phone rang.<p>

"Hello? _Blaine?_"

Her eager response was met with silence.

"Honey I know it's you…Caller ID. Thank-you for calling – I've…_missed_ you."

"Hi mom…"

"It's so good to hear your voice!" She was almost in tears now – this was so much for her to bear.

"You don't need to cry mom… But I – I miss you too." He rushed out. "It's hard here without you…" he gave her that much. After all this, she deserved to get that much out of a conversation with him.

"You can come back any time you want, honey – you'll be safe, I promise! You don't have to go through this alone… Heather's here right next to me, and she wants me to tell you she misses you, too. We both love you, Blaine. You're not alone in this. We can get through this. We can do it together…"

She sounded hopeful, but was met with a disdainful voice in response.

"Mom, you know I can't be there right now…You know I can't be around any of you…anywhere where anyone can _know_-" He cut himself off. Even he heard the tone in that last word. To his mother and the doctor he always sounded that like when he said that, but to him… he finally heard the sound…the tone his voice made… The way it cracked ever so slightly and showed blinding fear. The sheer terror that was clearly evident in that one sound his voice made. His voice was betraying him. Yet again, something was betraying him. Blaine, himself, was betraying him…

He closed his phone and went inside.

* * *

><p>Blaine's neighbourhood wasn't among the safest in Lima…In fact; it was so far away from being categorized as "safe", his pepper spray protection method would be no more effective than if he were to scream with a gag in his mouth… However, after the lawyers, and doctors, and everything else – not to mention they didn't have much to begin with – they <em>really<em> didn't have much. Blaine had a job, which helped, but still wasn't enough to cover the rent on his own… He made a good dent, though. However, with all of his homework, doctors visit, and being alone, his mother hadn't wanted him working _too_ many hours...even if it did mean being tighter than they usually were.

He was inside now, sitting on his futon (which doubled as a bed) and looking out the window at the "view"… Graffiti and high teenage boys smoking up and peeing on the wall… "What a view," he thought to himself… As he thought, however, he realized he was really thinking… He had felt bad for so abruptly ending the phone call with his mother, but the sound in his voice when he spoke that word had scared him. Made him think too much. Made him feel too much… He actually called his doctor – he didn't know why, he just…felt it was the right thing to do – who was, of course, glad he called. They spoke for a while on the line – him asking questions; Blaine giving crafty answers…trying to avoid, and not address, the problem at hand…

"You called me, Mr. Anderson…" the doctor gently reminded him. "I want to help you, I do. But there is only so much I can do on my own out here…I am so glad that you called me. That is a great move forward. But I need you to trust me – even a little bit – so you can talk to me…so maybe we can try to fix this…"

"The last time I trusted someone…"

"Yes?" The doctor quickly answered. He thought maybe they were getting somewhere now. "Blaine? The last time you trusted someone…what?"

"You know what!" Blaine answered sharply, in a huff. He snapped his phone closed, crawled onto his futon, shut his eyes tightly…and even though he was trying to stop it, a tear slipped out the corner and rolled down his cheek. He needed something…something _more_…some_one_ he could trust. Above all.

He "needed" a friend… And he knew exactly where to find one…


End file.
